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TL;DR: Lisa spent the year recovering from intense Autistic/ADHD burnout. This included slowing the F*CK down, doing a boatload of trauma work, intensive anti-racism work, cracking herself open and getting deeply uncomfortable. The result? One of the hardest and best years of her life.
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I'll cut right to the chase - this year kicked my damn ass. For all of the obvious reasons (the earth is on fire, there are multiple g3noc!des happening, people dying, inflation soaring, you know, little things), but on a personal level, this is the hardest I've ever worked on myself.
It started with an intense burnout on the heels of "blowing up" on TikTok last year. I was so caught up in the excitement of having over 100K followers and a growing waitlist, I forgot that I am not super human. After the dopamine and the adrenelin of Christmas 2022 wore off, I was a husk of a human. A shell. A hollowed out egg. I knew it, those around me knew it (and brought it to my attention) but hey, I was taking Vyvanse, so nothing could go wrong!
PLUS. - 2023 was going to be different. I could just tell it!
WRONG.
Well, sort of. Thanks to understanding my brain and the aforementioned medication, I wasn't experiencing my typical SAD (on top of plain, regular depression). I was still feeling down, but not in the same bottomless pit of despair. It was like...I was still in the pit, but I could see the sun, you know? Like, it was bleak but I was getting some VIT D.
And in my classic fashion, I slowly started to pull away from people. It was VERY gradual. I didn't even really notice it. I took longer to respond to texts (shoutout to anyone I left on read. I'm really sorry about that). I spent less time in my DMs. I wasn't scrolling as much. On the surface, it all looked and felt like I was making healthy decisions. More time off my phone = better mental health, right?
Around this time, I bought an iPad "for my business" (JK I really do use it for that) and started messing around with procreate. I've always claimed that I wasn't artistic and kind of forgot about the 10+ years of crafting when I was a kid. I started exploring, playing around and finally creating really special art that I decided to sell.
For anyone who struggles with demand avoidance, you'll know where this is going. I was like "Dope, I'm going to created a new stream of income and sell art" and immediately my brain went "NOPE, WE HATE THAT NOW". Fortunately, I had been bitten by. the art bug and began creating my Brick Book Garden.
Until I thought MAYBE I could sell those too.
Will I ever learn?? (Narrator: No, no she would not).
Truth was, everything felt like it was crowding in around me. I did my best to show up, but was too afraid to ask for help (YES I KNOW - THE GIRL WHO TELLS YOU TO ASK FOR HELP HAS A HARD TIME WITH IT TOO). I guess I didn't even know what help I needed. Our brains have a funny way of tricking us into thinking that we're fine. I'm so grateful to the friends who continued to check in on me. Who recognized the signs and said "oh hey hi, just letting you know I'm not going anywhere".
The thing is, I'm really good at making new friends. I assume a new mask. There is the intense hyperfocus. The bubbly energy. But I really have a hard time MAINTAINING friendships. The part that comes after. Allowing there to be disagreements. The space for things to not be bubbly. and fun.
In the past, most of my friendships either fizzled out or one of us ghosted. No one is to blame either, it's a pattern and one that I'm used to.
That being said - this year Jon (my husband) and I really dug into the work on OUR relationship. Having kids really f*cked up our relationship. No cap. We both had trauma from that time that we hadn't really dealt with and it had created a wedge between us. We were good, but we weren't "us".
So we went away together. We had fun as a couple. Not Jon and Lisa the parents. We were Jon and Lisa, just us. We stayed with amazing friends of ours and had such a great time exploring the east coast, Jon got a tattoo, we ate, we drank. It was really special.
That brings us to September. September was significant for two reasons. One, I went to Iceland for 10 days with my Mom and had the most incredible adventure. Iceland has. a VERY special place in my heart now and I can't wait to go back. Just as I had rebuilt my relationship with J, I also needed to do the same with myself. I got to spend time just as Lisa. No schedule, no routine. I got to completely unmask and be me. We went to a drag show, I stayed at the bar alone afterwards and just danced. I took myself on little dates.
Secondly - when I got back, I got my ass LIT UP by my business partner and very dear friend of mine. He called my on my bullshit (we're brain twins, so he saw VERY CLEARLY what was going on with me) and helped me to see how my behaviour and choices weren't just hurting me, they were hurting others. It SUCKED. I was also forced to face my racism and the very significant role it played in my interactions with everyone.
I learned how the white racial framework and white racial ideals impacted nearly everything that I did. My perfectionism, my fear - all of it lead back to what we now refer to as "white racial trauma". More on this later, but get ready because some of your asses might be getting lit up too :)
It was through this process I learned how to make mistakes. I learned that making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person. I can fuck up, take accountability and then try again. Obviously, it's not always that easy, but in a way, it kind of is.
I also learned that shame is f*cking bullshit. I don't f*ck with shame anymore. All it does is send me into a spiral of self-loathing and doubt. So when I f*ck up (and I will always f*ck up) I allow myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling (see Emotion-Sensation Wheel if you too need support with this), process and release.
ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?! God, I love you. Thank you.
We're nearly there.
With Myron, we began to build our company, Human Sense Coaching. In a way I don't think very many businesses get built. We are constantly helping each other to heal. To make mistakes. To hold each other (lovingly) accountable. We're going to be doing some pretty sick shit in the new year and I cannot wait for it.
This year I really learned how to have difficult conversations. That doesn't mean I'm any better at it or that they suck any less. I still hate them and I still want to run away from them.
I'm aware of my emotions in a way I literally never have before. It sucks and it's amazing and it's awful and it's empowering and it's freeing and it's shitty. But damn, it's really f*cking sick.
WELL, in traditional ADHD fashion I'm completely done with writing this post and have NO spoons left so I'm going to wrap it up here. There was more I wanted to share but I can't remember what it is and I don't want to write anymore.
I'm also not going to edit this post, so if there are errors or mistakes or things missing <shrugs>.
Love you endlessly. Thank you for being here. If you're inspired by any of the sh!it you read here, reach out. You can do this too. You can do anything. Really. I mean it.
XO,
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